Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
