Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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