i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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