I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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