It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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