Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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