new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
