I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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