She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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