I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
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