Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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