he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
