The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
