i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
