she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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