Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
