god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
