dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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