I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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