...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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