I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
