this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
