somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
