I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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