I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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