I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize