I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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