Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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