OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
