I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
