mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Drunk is not a location!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
