Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
