when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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