She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
