the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize