Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
