everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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