dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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