A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
