Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
