I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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