I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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