it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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