bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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