what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Randomize
