Betty ford says i'm here all night
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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