Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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