you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
