And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
