Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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