So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
