It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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