She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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