"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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