Pappa wants mamma naked
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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