I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
