and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
