i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
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