In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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