Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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