Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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