I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
3 2 1 whiskey
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
