if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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