does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
