Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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