Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize