A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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