Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
